Productive Friction

Explore why we need friction to thrive in business and in life, with insights from leadership expert Esther Blázquez Blanco.

‍When we engage a range of ideas and perspectives, letting them exist in healthy tension with one another, our perspective of the world broadens and we deepen our understanding of what we want and who we are.

‍My friendship with Esther Blázquez Blanco began in silence. We were guests at a dinner in Barcelona that imposed a single rule: no talking. The idea was that silence would allow guests to connect in unexpected ways, heightening our attunement to each other’s body language and other non-speaking cues. Despite being one of the organizers, I wasn’t sure it would work. I worried the whole thing would be awkward and boring, with guests checking their phones to see how much longer they had to oblige.

But somehow it did work. In fact, it was one of the strangest and most powerful meals I’ve ever had. Using eye-contact, gesture, and the occasional touch, I found ways to connect deeply with the people seated around me. One of these was a dark-eyed woman who pulled me into a silent staring contest. At first, it felt pretty bizarre to maintain unblinking eye contact with a stranger but, pushing past the initial weirdness, I realized her gaze was both welcoming and vulnerable, as though she were asking for help and offering it at the same time. It’s hard to describe the sense of warmth and calm that washed over me, the trust and acceptance that our conjoined stare engendered. Our silent union had rewritten social rules and conventions, and it created this incredible complicity between us.

Esther has charisma. She radiates warmth and openness when she walks into a room. This is part of what makes her such a sought-after leadership coach, attracting top global companies ranging from Aegeas to Volkswagen. I suspect people feel her magnetism and think I want to be like that. But she hasn’t always been this way.

Twenty years ago, she had all her ducks lined up professionally, she’d found success in the corporate world and, in theory, the future looked bright. But she felt completely disconnected from vital aspects of her identity. “I wasn’t fulfilled,” she told me, reflecting on this period. “I had all these other interests that weren’t reflected in my work—meditation, spirituality, experimental theater, contemporary dance.” The friction between her competing selves built to the point where she broke down. “I just collapsed. It was very strange. I had no idea what was wrong with me.” 

Esther began the difficult process of rethinking everything she’d assumed she wanted out of life. She started therapy, digging deeply into her childhood and adolescence, trying to uncover a path forward. It was around this time that I got in touch and suggested she host an event at Concrete Love, the House of Beautiful Business’ upcoming festival in Lisbon. I knew she had started to explore new directions in her corporate work and, thinking of the powerful experience we’d shared in Barcelona, I was hoping she might be interested in leading guests through a similar exercise. I had no idea the event would prove to be a turning point in her career.

We planned that she’d host a series of “silent eye-gazing” workshops over the course of the festival. I had no real sense of how our corporate attendees would take to the activity but, midway through the first session, all my apprehensions evaporated. People were embracing one another; some were bursting into tears. Esther confidently guided everyone along a disarming journey where we connected with strangers with a frankness and intimacy we rarely felt. Word spread and, for her second scheduled session, there was a lineup winding around the corner to get in.

It was the beginning of an entirely new professional practice for Esther. By exploring the friction between disparate parts of her personality, and deepening her understanding of emotional intimacy and human connection, she realized that she had a special aptitude for conflict resolution. She started to experiment with more exercises and techniques that could support teams who were having trouble understanding one another, and help them see their problem and their relationship in a new light. It didn’t take long before she had a reputation as a talented “business therapist” across Spain, attracting clients from a range of industries and regions.

What’s the magic behind her method? Esther tells me that a large part is getting her clients to acknowledge what they’re feeling and then to find the language to discuss it. A recent experience with a team of senior executives at a small European firm is a case in point. The CEO came to Esther hoping to ease some tension that was straining the group dynamic and making collaboration unnecessarily awkward. Esther had them gather in a neutral space, she likes to take people out of their regular daily environment to avoid subconscious triggers of negative feelings. When she asked the CEO to describe why he’d sought her help, he proceeded to talk about everything but the conflict he was experiencing.

“People don’t like discussing friction,” she says. “It’s my job to steer them there calmly. In this case, I had to help the leader understand that the friction was there, in the room, whether or not he wanted to acknowledge it.”

Once the CEO let his guard down and began to open up about the issues he was experiencing, a meaningful reconciliation process began. Esther encouraged the team to be candid with their thoughts and feelings, and not to jump to conclusions about what the friction they were experiencing symbolized or meant. “This process is full of surprises,” she explains. “That’s the most exciting part. People discover that talking about friction presents new possibilities for the business. They realize how much they gain by looking the problem in the eye.”

Beyond opening her clients to new possibilities, Esther is particularly interested in the concept of redemption in business relationships. “When there’s friction at work, someone is always suffering,” she says. “I’ve seen this with companies around the world. So I get my clients to ask: How can I liberate my colleague from their pain?”

Out of all of Esther’s insights, this idea made the biggest impression on me. As a business leader, I often have my eye focused on the future and my company’s long-term goals, which can mean missing the small stuff that arises every day among my team. If I’m anxious about a particular client project or nervous about an upcoming event, I can put undue pressure on those I’m working with. I usually don’t even notice that I’m doing it.

The possibility of liberating someone from the negative impact of this pressure—whatever its cause—becomes a profoundly inspiring concept. I’ve realized that this liberation can take different forms. Sometimes it means reflecting on my own feelings and making sure I’m not projecting the stress I’m experiencing onto someone else. Other times, it means nothing more than listening better or empathizing with a colleague’s point of view. It often requires taking a good, hard look at my own actions, and reflecting on how they have contributed to the conflict that has arisen. It’s never easy work, but it’s always worthwhile for the wellbeing of my team. And Esther has given me a three-step guide that might help you:

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1. 1. Explore appreciation. When you’re experiencing conflict with a colleague, pause and ask yourself what you appreciate about this person. If the answer comes easily, these qualities will reframe your interactions, reminding you of all the value this person brings to the company. If the answer doesn’t come easily, you need to dig deeper and figure out what it is about yourself that is preventing you from appreciating this colleague. Esther suggests you explore the “cracks in your ego” and the “ghosts in your past,” which are both obstacles to your appreciation.

1. 2. Identify patterns. Once you’ve begun the process of looking inward, you’ll likely discover that there’s a precedent for this conflict. Maybe you’ve had difficulty with someone with similar personality traits before, or maybe there’s something about this friction that reminds you of past pain. Recognizing patterns helps you take responsibility for your behavior and empowers you to resist habits and unfounded assumptions.

1. 3. Let something go. At this point in the process, Esther urges her clients to consider what they’re holding onto that they don’t actually need. Is it a little bit of pride, or credit, or the need to be right? Esther says this is the most empowering part of the process as it doesn’t require a coach or a mediator or any external help. “You can do this yourself,” she says, “you can cultivate this patience and give your colleague this gift every time you work with them, having turned your friction productive.”